


bandaids won't fix this

by gremlinhours



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gore, M/M, Mental Instability, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23767201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gremlinhours/pseuds/gremlinhours
Summary: Remus has finally done it. Today's the day he can rescue Sirius from Azkaban, after all these years.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 4





	bandaids won't fix this

**Author's Note:**

> be careful if u don't like angst and gore.

Remus felt like he was floating. He couldn’t feel his brown loafers smack the grimy concrete below his feet as three guards guided him. The whole building was eerily dark- the ceiling too low and the windows too small- but he didn’t notice. The walls were lined with mold and brown spots (that looked suspiciously like blood), but his eyes didn't acknowledge any of it. He only stepped in unison with the three men around him, his eyes misty as he imagined what would occur once he finally got what he’d been working for.

His lips curved into a small smile, to the shock and revulsion of the guards around him. “Fucking weirdo, this one.” one muttered. The other nodded. “We’re in bloody Azkaban and he’s smiling like a he’s in a tuck shop.”  
Remus didn’t care; his mind was off in a different reality, in a possible future. 

The guards stopped with a loud squeak of their black boots against the slimy floor. Remus finally glanced at his surroundings, properly noticing what was around him. Another guard waited for them by the cell’s entrance. Remus cleared his throat, smoothing his hands down the front of his robes before walking forward. The guard stopped him with a hand to Remus’ chest. Remus stared at him impatiently. “I’d be careful if I were you. He’s a real psycho, this one.” He nodded to the black door. It was large and iron, silver spikes lining the edges. It was covered in dirt; the only gap being a small rectangle barely large enough to feed a tray through. Remus nodded absently, patting the guard’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry if I were you.” Remus smiled at him, a dreamlike look in his eyes. The guard’s worry didn’t look like it had eased but he stepped aside nonetheless. 

The five men entered the small room with defensive postures, straight-backed and wary- that is, except for Remus. He looked as if he was entering his favourite board game cafe. He still wore a serene smile as he looked around the barren cell. 

Though, what did drag the dreamlike expression on his face off, was the twitching man before him. As Remus approached him slowly, he raked his eyes over the withered form of the man. His limp, overgrown hair hung in front of his face, casting shadows over his bowed head. Remus pulled the chair set out for him out as softly as he could, but as the screeching noise of metal against concrete rang throughout the small room, the man began to raise his head. His eyes came into light first, painfully deep dark-circles framing them. One eye was greyed, four deep scratch marks seemed to go straight through it. The scars were rough, animalistic. Remus’ heart sped up with worry as more and more of the other’s face became visible. The man’s face nearly had more scarring than features.

Remus wanted to reach out and touch his marred skin. He held himself together though, reminding himself to be patient. “He's going to be fine. I’ll...I’ll be fine. We just need to get through this first.” Remus told himself, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath, opening his mouth.

A low growl echoed through the room. Remus’ eyes opened, looking at the source of the noise. The man was now fully facing him. Remus ignored the sound, figuring that his eyes are clearly damaged. It would make sense if he couldn’t see me properly, the lighting here is atrocious. It must be his canine instincts coming out. Remus pinched his forearm, finally addressing the dark haired man who sat like his back was a bent bowstring. “Si-Sirius?” Remus’ plans for a professional, slow approach flew straight out of the small window. He found himself holding his breath, his whole body leaning towards Sirius. Remus swallowed, ready for his many dreams of what this moment would be like to come true. He knows, he knows, that Sirius will recognise him. (He has to.)

Sirius tilted his head and looks at Remus coldly, his whole face shifting into a terrifyingly empty expression. His mouth falls open and Remus tenses, clutching his clipboard tight enough that it cuts slightly into his palms. This is it. Remus waited, his foot shaking with nervousness. No noise came from Sirius mouth. Remus silently prayed to some higher power.

And then he spoke. "Hello." His voice was worn and dry. He looked at Remus with a mildly interested face, his fingernails scratching away at his arm; the scrape of his nails against skin leaving thin red lines. There was nothing to be scratched at, yet his nails continued to dig further into his skin, shearing layers of skin off.

Remus almost sagged with relief, that he was speaking to him. His voice was almost the same, everything about him was almost the same. Remus’ words fell out of his mouth in unregulated clumps of speech, his tongue tripping over itself. “Sirius, I missed you, ‘m sorry I didn’t- I wanted to, I’m just- sorry. I’m just sorry.” Remus put his hands over his face, heaving. Sirius tilted his head. “Remus.” He seemed to be testing out the word, how it bent over his mouth. Remus looked up at the others poker face, fistfuls of emotion sucker punching him in the gut.

Sirius remained stiff and silent for enough time that the seconds between them felt as if they’d been stretched out beyond their elastic capability. Sirius looked at Remus, searching for something in his face. 

A smile. It grew on his face, eerily climbing up his cheeks like a relentless grapevine. The skin broke under Sirius’ prying nails, blood dripping onto his brown stained robes. Remus’ heart lurched.

~*

He jumped on him. His bony legs dug into his stomach, though his bright smile made up for it. Remus wasn’t even shocked at this point, that Sirius had decided to climb on top of him. It happened every now and then. “Sirius.” He greeted, his voice slightly gruff from sleep. “Remus, we have to get up! The Room of Requirement is finally empty from those damn puffs that keep hogging it! Come onnnnn,” Sirius began poking Remus’ cheek with a slightly sharp fingernail. Remus would have cared that Sirius was spilling their secrets rather loudly, but he was too grumpily tired to care. Remus arched his spine, knocking Sirius off his stomach. He sat up, staring at Sirius. 

Sirius leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheekbone. “Let’s go.” He moved his lips against the scar there. “You have to get off if you wanna go. Unless you want me to carry you like a baby.” Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who was still sat in his lap. Sirius only grinned wider and wrapped his arms and legs around Remus’ neck. “Then carry me, daddy,” Sirius wiggled his eyebrows. Remus whacked him on the crown of his head. “Ow!” Sirius hissed. Remus rolled his eyes but clutched Sirius’ waist tightly and slid off the bed nonetheless. His legs wobbled precariously as he stood up straight. He jogged to the door and closed it as quietly as he could, eyeing their snoring classmates. Remus’ legs burned because damn, when did Sirius get this heavy? He sat on the stair rail as fully as he could. “Remus? What are you- AGH!” They slid down the rail smoothly for all of 5 seconds, (Sirius was shouting in his ear the whole while), before Remus’ sweaty palm slipped off, leaving them tumbling down the carpeted stairs. 

They rolled almost all the way till the common room, their bodies aching and carpet burnt. “What in Merlin’s saggy ball sacks prompted you into thinking that was a good idea?” Sirius groaned, clutching his elbow. “I don’t even know. My legs hurt from carrying your heavy arse.” Remus grumbled. Sirius shoved him. "I’m light as a damn feather, excuse you.” 

Remus huffed, ignoring his ribs’ complaints. Sirius sighed and shifted to sit more comfortably next to him, leaning into the crook of his neck. Remus turned his head. They looked at each other, ruffled hair and reddened cheeks. Remus presses his lips into Sirius’, licking into his warm mouth. Sirius didn’t hesitate to respond. 

~

Remus keeps that memory in the pensive.

~

“Black. Sirius.” Mcgonagall’s voice was heard through the chattering Great Hall, the room seeming to lean towards the small black-haired boy climbing the few steps that approached the Sorting Hat. The boy sat on the stool, the pointy hat nearly covering his whole face. The hat took 3 painfully slow seconds to shout “GRYFFINDOR!” The boy was shaking as he stumbled to the gryffindor table, sitting at the very edge. The elder gryffindors looked curious but wary of the boy from the infamously Slytherin family. They all seemed to shift slightly away from the young boy, averting their eyes. The other first year gryffindors began to come to the table, greeting old friends and making new ones. Sirius remained alone. That is, until: “Lupin, Remus.” and then, “GRYFFINDOR!”. Remus walked to the table, no one particularly interested in him. He glanced at some of those he saw on the train here, ignoring them. He walked to the Black boy, sitting down quietly next to him. Sirius looked surprised, looking at the tall boy next to him, who had already pulled out a book. Sirius turned back to his food, smiling.

~*

Sirius was covered in chains. From his neck hung a wide collar, cutting deeply into his chin each time he moved. Four writhing chains connected to the collar, wrapping around his body. Each time he tried to move, the chains would colour red and burn marks into whatever it could touch. The chains hung long and wide, silver-scarlet glints appearing under every angle. The chains dragged along the concrete floor, screeching. Along his arms, cilices were wrapped, blood dripping from the ever-open wounds. His arms were stained with various stages of drying blood. His lips looked like a dried rose, faintly pink, though it looked as if a press to the sides of his mouth would make it fall apart altogether. Blood and drool streaks framed his face. He smiled still though, his lips cracking. Remus swallowed. Sirius’ smile stretched too wide across his face, his eyes too sharp to be welcoming. Remus couldn’t see any life in Sirius’ eyes, although there was something, something so odd and yet familiar. A memory resurfaces in Remus’ mind, foggy and worn around the edges…

~*

Sirius had warned him not to come to the Black Manor, no matter the circumstance. Remus had scoffed and promised that one day he would see the house. He would rescue Sirius from whatever hell caused him to look so gaunt and cold come each September 1st. Remus gulped as he trudged to the doorstep, hand frozen before the stained oak door. There was a niggling feeling in the back of Remus’ mind that there was some awfully dark magic coming from the silver snake knocker. He pulled out his wand, muttering the spell he’d made for his charms O.W.L. He waved his wand, and immediately the jinx that had been casted lit up, a sickly green shade. “A bone liquifier.” Remus said to himself, hand shivering with the spirals of adrenaline flowing through him. 

He cancelled the jinx, grasping the knocker and banging it loudly. Almost as soon as the knocker touched the door, it swung open, a small house elf stood before him, its lip curled with disgust. “Filthy mudblood, disgracing the noble house of Black, spreading filth everywhere.” It muttered. Remus was taken aback, clearing his throat. “Oh, sorry for showing up uninvited, but I am here to give a gift to my friend Sirius. Could you, could you maybe get him for me?” Remus shoved his hands in his robe’s pockets. The elf eyed him spitefully, disapperating with a crack. Remus waited on the doorstep, too afraid to find out what jinx awaited him if he dared to step inside. 

Remus looked at the black door frame to keep his mind occupied, until the noise of a door banging shut forced him to look up. “YOU DISGUSTING CHILD. HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE OUR FAMILY LIKE THIS.” The voice screeched, the very pitch leaving ringing in his ears. A muffled voice shouted back, not nearly as loud. Soon two sets of footsteps thundered down the steps, the sound of something porcelain shattering paired along with the noise. “Please, mother.” A familiar voice begged. A woman in flowing robes, though they didn’t fall nicely on her, appeared. Her bony shoulders were bunched up in rage, the black silk dress she wore appearing to hang off of her gaunt body like Dementor's robes. She was holding a head of hair in her thin fingers. She shoved it forward, the young man she was holding coming into Remus’ view. 

Sirius was thrown onto the floor, curled into himself, clutching a bag. Remus looked at the woman. Her eyes danced with mania, and something utterly terrifying that Remus couldn’t quite put his finger on. She was a supernova, obliterating everything in her path with just a glance. Her mouth was painted with black, a lone slice through her paper white face. Her lips stretched far beyond what it should have been able to, a breathy cackle escaping from between them. “Leave. I never want to see you again, TRAITOR.” She screamed the last word, the syllables ripped painfully from her throat. “Out, out, OUT. Leave or I will rip each hair from your skull. I will burn you to ashes, my estranged son. I will-“ She went on, her eyes wide and glazed. Her smile still on, she spoke of the things she’d do to her own spawn as Sirius scrambled to his feet. He ran out the door, grabbing Remus’ arm. The two sprinted down the road until their knees burned. Sirius stopped abruptly and looked Remus in the eye. Sirius’ knees buckled, Remus bending down to catch him. Sirius stared at him, the two struggling for air as the rough gravel scraped their legs.

~*

Remus sucked in a breath. Sirius looked like Walberga. His eyes were similar to her supernova- all consuming. Remus pushed the thought from his mind. How could Sirius be like Walberga? He couldn’t, wasn’t even capable of that, of course not. She was everything he despised, Sirius would have to be- have to be crazy to be like his mother. No, Sirius was Sirius. Remus simply hadn’t seen him in so long, the memories were rushing back. The chains clinked and hissed again, Remus’ eyes snapping back to Sirius. “How are you?” He said, voice quiet and rasping. Sirius’ eyes shuttered. “I’ve been…I’ve been something. Learning, hoping. Missing. Missing you.” Sirius said. He spoke with an odd tone. Remus can’t remember if that was how he talked all those years ago. Remus’ eyes watered nonetheless, his breathing uneven. “I missed you too. I missed you so much Siri. God, I-I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier. We’ll get you free, okay? We can do it.” Remus rambled, reaching out for Sirius without thinking. Sirius stared at his outreached hand. Slowly, his shoulder shifted, the imprints of dozens of chainlinks burning itself into Sirius as he raised his hand. Finally a painfully thin hand made its way across the wooden table. Remus gingerly touched it, gasping as he felt the uneven skin. His tears redoubled.

It was worth it, at this point, he felt. The years of no sleep and studying of a course he didn’t even like. The pushing. No matter how hard he tried, he had to do better. More. But now, he had it. What he fought for. He had him, his hand in his own. He could feel the memories in St. Mungos bleeding off of him, he didn’t have to worry about it any longer. No more suffering. There was no longer any need to become the best mind healer, the best healer. No need to battle with endless ministry officials about setting up programs they technically didn’t need. He could finally have his love. He didn’t have to trying to find a way to see Sirius. He had him right here. Sirius’s hand twitched in Remus’ grasp. He broke eye contact with Remus, staring at something behind him. Remus turned, following Sirius’ line of vision, to the 4 guards stiffly observing every move. Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand a little. Remus turned back to Sirius. “Ask them to leave.” He mumbled. Remus nearly didn’t catch it. His eyes widened. “I can’t do that, love.” He whispered, apologetically. “Please,” Sirius’ eyes watered, “I want to kiss you, be with you, without an audience.” Remus’ heart ached, longed for what Sirius spoke of. Remus’ resolve was weakening, as it always did with Sirius. “Maybe, maybe for a little.” Remus murmured. Sirius’ face rearranged into a warm, hopeful expression. “Really?” Sirius cried, an enraptured look on his face. Remus nodded, taking a deep breath. 

He rose, walking over to the guards. He spoke to them in hushed tones, reassuring them that he’d be alright, he had his wand after all, and that they should wait at the end of the hall for him. The guards left, unsure of Remus’ directions. They walked with heavy steps, eyes cutting at Sirius Black the whole way out. Remus walked back over to Sirius with a small smile. “I missed you.” He repeated himself, unable to keep it within himself. Sirius beckoned him over with a weak wave. Remus stepped close to him, his face hovering just over Sirius’. “Hey.” he smiled, his voice still wet. He ignored the blood streaks over Sirius’ face, the scars scattered everywhere. 

He leaned in, as Sirius arched up, their lips meeting. Sirius’ lips were painfully cold and cracked, the dryness pressing uncomfortably into Remus’ mouth. Remus kissed back, revelling in the hope that swirled in his chest. Remus cupped Sirius’ neck as he deepened the kiss, parting his lips with a slick tongue. There was still a claw scraping painfully at his insides, his anxiety inserting itself into his thoughts. Remus ignored it in favour of kissing Sirius harder, trying hard to ignore the sourness coated over Sirius’ tongue. Remus felt floaty all over again, colours bursting behind his closed eyelids. He could barely feel anything but the warmth in his mouth. Vaguely he noticed Sirius’ hand running over his sides. He continued the kiss, his heart hungry from so many years apart. He could do this forever, he thought. Sirius’ hand slipped inside his robe. Remus giggled breathlessly, he’s so happy nothing has changed. Sirius pressed his lips harder against Remus’, banishing all thought from Remus’ mind. 

Then, Sirius shifts them, so he leaned over Remus who was bent over the wooden table. Sirius pressed his palm flat on Remus’ chest. He pulled back with a wet noise. Remus’ eyes were still closed, a giddy smile on his face. Foggily, he heard the loud sound of chains falling. He opened his eyes slowly, only to find his eyes covered by a large hand. He rolls his eyes playfully, brushing aside how his stomach twists. “Sirius! Come on,” He laughed. Sirius didn’t respond. He felt something cold against his ankles. “Sirius. Let go.” His voice is serious now, his voice cracking. No response. Something heavy hung from all of his limbs. 

“Stop. It’s not funny. What’s going on?” The hand pressed to his chest is gone, replaced by something searing-hot and heavy, Remus tried to get up, but his arms felt like lead, his legs weighed down by something heavier than him. A soft chuckle echoed through the room. One thin finger grazed Remus’ neck before a thick collar too tight for him was clasped around his throat. He struggled against the restraints, but an agonising burn flowed through him as he does, and it just felt so much, so hot, so hot, he can’t feel where it’s coming from, it’s just everywhere, burning, burning. A scream was wrenched from Remus’ throat, going on and on until his throat felt so raw that the faintest brush of air stung. He laid completely motionless, his lungs fighting to keep still. 

“I remember it felt like this. When I first had these…chains on. Lovely contraption, no? They burn you every time you move, but if you don’t move for too long, they move. Quite ingenious if I do say so myself.” Sirius’ voice was velvety now, nothing near the ragged rasp he had earlier. Remus sobbed. “Please. Let me go. I want to see.” 

“Oh? You want to see? Well that can be arranged…” The hand that covered his eyes tightly finally moved. The light, while still unfortunately little, felt too much somehow, scorching his eyes. Remus tried to blink, to remove the green spots that danced in front of him. His eyelids wouldn’t move. He strained as eyes began to burn. “What have you done to me?” Remus’ voice was nearly inaudible, and terrified. Sirius hovered above him, a crazed smile stretched across his face. “You said you wanted to see...” He whispered into Remus’ mouth as he pressed his lips harshly against Remus’. Remus cried out as his eyes began to sting unbearably. “Why..Why are you like this? I know you, you would never- am I dreaming?” Remus seemed to be pleading with some higher power. “Oh sweetie. You’ll wish you were dreaming!” Sirius laughed with a cruel sneer plastered over his lips. “You know me? Oh no, no, no. You thought I was innocent, didn’t you? ‘Of course my Sirius would never do something so despicable! How dare you suggest that he killed thirteen people! He wouldn’t harm a fly!’” Sirius mocked. Remus tried desperately to close his eyes. ‘Please let me be dreaming.’ Remus thought, forcefully. Sirius slapped him with the back of his hand. “I killed every. Single. One.” Sirius sing-songed, his eyes shining. Remus howled, his aching body, burning skin, channeled into his cry of utter sorrow. Sirius laughed through it all.

Remus feels something press into his cheek. He glances at Sirius. In his hand is Remus’ wand. Remus’ eyes bulged, looking at his precious wand. “Oh this old thing? Remember when we did that ritual in 6th year? Which one was it again…hm, I can’t seem to recall,” Sirius looked around, his brow furrowed. His eyes slid over to Remus’, slyly watching him. In a flash, Sirius was just a centimetre above him. “DO YOU REMEMBER?” He roared, his face distorted into a furious snarl. Remus nodded feverishly, the chains singeing him with each movement. Sirius backs up, looking perfectly normal once again. “We made our wands pledge allegiance to each other. Thought we’d be together forever.” he twirled the wand in his fingers. “After all, why would we ever be against each other?” Sirius scraped the tip of the wand over Remus’ features. “Do you regret it now?” He whispered. 

"What happened to you?" Remus's voice is destroyed, the hope siphoned out and vocal chords damaged. 

"Hm? What ever do you mean, my dear? ...Do you think I'm crazy? Deranged, maybe? Psychotic? Manic? I heard you're a mind healer now, baby. Why don't you diagnose me?" Sirius continued to move the blunt wand tip over Remus' face. 

Remus tried to turn his face away from Sirius, when he felt the spikes on the choker press dangerously into his throat. “Oh, you won’t be wanting to do that now, would you?” Sirius laughed at Remus’ horrified expression. Sirius grabbed Remus’ cheeks, pulling his face up. 

“I always thought you were so beautiful, you know. So pretty.” Sirius sighed. “But now, you’ve gone all old, like a rotten tomato. He let go of Remus’ face, the back of his head banging against the wooden table. Remus winced. Sirius turned back to Remus with a lit up face. “Oh I know! When people get old they need some makeup, don’t they? Oh, it's a shame we don’t have any.” Sirius was still smiling though, even as he spoke. “I have always been quite the handyman though, don’t you think?” Remus screamed again as the chains shifted on his skin. Sirius snapped up to look at him, his eyes annoyed. “How bothersome.” He tsked. 

“Silencio.” He waved Remus’ wand. 

“Now, let us get creative. He ran his hand over Remus’ wand arm, thinking. He smiled once again. He brushed the wand against Remus’ elbow. 

“Red always was my favourite colour.” Sirius locked eyes with Remus. “Diffindo!” 

He grinned as Remus began to scream himself actually mute once again. He slashed the wand over Remus’ elbow until the blood began to hit the ceiling, his hand hanging limply off of the half cut tendons. The blood sprayed over the ceiling, causing a loud splat! The blood began to splash back down onto the pair. Drops fell over Sirius’ hair, landing on his face too. Crimson droplets framed Sirius’ face. Remus hated himself for thinking he looked beautiful, still. The fresh blood filled the small cell with the faint smell of iron. Sirius giggled as the blood fell over them like a light drizzle of rain. He traced Remus’ elbow. His fingers plunged into the severed flesh, caressing broken blood vessels and screaming nerve endings. Remus’ eyes rolled back, a light gasp leaving his lips. His chest heaved evenly. Sirius pulled his fingers out in a swift movement. Remus’ face contorted with pain before smoothing out again.

“Aw, shame. This is my favourite part.” Sirius pouted, as he stared at Remus’ limp face. He pointed his wand at Remus again. “Rennervate.” 

Remus woke with a silent scream. His eyes straining to be shut, with the force. Sirius swiped his fingers over the spurting wound. He pressed his dripping fingers over Remus’ eyelids, flicking his finger upwards. He snickered at his work. “Look Remmy, you have a cat eye!” 

He closed his palm over the split arm, gathering the blood in his palm. He dripped blood over Remus’ cheeks and nose before carefully smearing red over Remus’ open lips. He fell back to admire his work. Remus’ agonized face was half covered in the inflamed liquid. Sirius thought Remus had never looked better. 

“There. You look beautiful now.” Sirius whispered into Remus’ ear. Sirius stepped back from his masterpiece, watching Remus’ ever-open eyes plead silently with him. Sirius raised palm, licking the dribbling garnet completely off. “You’ve always been so…sweet.” He cupped Remus’ cheek.

“I love you.” Sirius smiled serenely, gazing into Remus’ pink, dust layered eyes as he pointed his wand at Remus’ chest. 

“Sectumsempra.” Sirius voiced, the noise ringing. 

“I always thought we could learn something from Sevvy, don’t you agree?” Remus continued to scream into a deaf room, his voice still gone and his eyes newly cold. Sirius patted Remus’ cheek. “You've always been there for me. And now…” he brushed the greying hair from Remus’ forehead, “You'll watch me leave, one final time."

Sirius skipped to the door of the cell, disillusioning himself. He then pointed his wand at Remus. “Finite.” He whispered, before turning into the hulking black dog he hadn’t been for far too long. He turned his back to Remus one final time before slipping out the door with muffled footsteps. He slid past the unobservant guards to the music of his love’s misery. The perfect soundtrack, don’t you think?

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi~~  
> I hope you lovelies liked this little one-shot. I wrote this a long time ago, but thought I'd post it now. I'm not the biggest horror/violence writer but I thought I should give it a try maybe?
> 
> ily take care of urselves <33


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